Mr Gaarder was in town!

Yes, the author of Sophie's World was in Jakarta yesterday, and I missed his session because I was just looking at my friend's FB status that morning, only an hour prior to his lecture. That was a mission impossible to go to the venue where he spoke in an hour, during the peak time in the morning. So I just let it go, regrettably. Were I knew it earlier, I would have brought some of the books that he wrote and have his autograph on them. At least the new one, The Castle of Pyrenees, the latest book of him. Oooh..how come??????? This might have been once in a life time opportunity, and I missed it! -If only he knew that I collected almost all of his books, except for one or two that I missed. But I missed him! Aaargh............

This is not allowed

Talking about what is allowed and what is not, is it still matter these days? I know a lot of people make mistakes when they are tempted to do something they should not do, -because of many different reasons such as morality, religious reason, self integrity, rule of law, etc. But making mistakes meaning they realize that it is not a right thing to do, that there is a rule they violate, or standard they do not adhere to, a ruler they jump over. That's a different story. But when they have no idea what they do, and others tell them that they do something wrong, the normal reaction is, usually, they will ask 'But why not?'. That is the problem: these two people have different set of standard. A's standard is 1,2,3, while B's standard is 4,5,6. They will go side by side but literally they will never meet at any point in time because they are like two parallel lines, there's no way that they will meet. Somehow, the experience I've just encountered reflected this illustration. No details provided, but when I tried to remind, say, M, that it was not allowed, this person asked me back, 'But why not? What's wrong with that?'. Then I know right away that we don't have the same set of standard. I walked the other line, and that person just walked another parallel line. We might say hi to each other, but we will never stop at the same point. So I said adieu.

Forever young, so long dear cousin!

That day I slept at 3am. 25th of July? I came back from watching Java Rockin' Land that night. Ed Kowayczky, Neon something, Godbless, Power Slaves, with the main attraction was Cranberries (yeah, they're cool!). I felt good, although it was dusty and crowded in Ancol where the concert took place.

I got the cab back after some friends dropped me in front of the taxi line near a hotel in Salemba at 2.30am. Brushing my teeth, washing my feet, I did sleep a little while.

Then at 4.30 my mobile rang. My sister in law called me and said that my cousin died in an accident. He fell from his motor bike, hitting a tree and died right away, even before he reached the hospital. Perhaps from heart attack. For god shake, he's just 35 in April! The picture of his face kept coming to my mind after my sister in law closed the conversation. She was almost crying, as I did too. I blinked my eyes, trying to get sleep again, but I couldn't. "Oh well, perhaps it was the wrong person she was talking about", I calmed myself. I sent text to my brother in Holland. He verified it. He was almost crying too. He said, "No more T in this world that we know. His life was quite miserable, sorrows came and gone, and it's all over now. The history of T ended today", he sobbed. I felt my nose blocked. Couldn't stop the tears down from my watery eyes.

Then I remember the last conversation we've had the last time. He said, "Few months ago I had an accident when I and my friends were in the car, from our way back from out of town. We hit something (I forgot), then the car was almost flew, cracked everywhere, no one died, all passengers were injured, but I was the worst one. I was in comma for quite some times. I clearly remember the time when I opened my eyes and felt myself back in my body (the spirit perhaps?). I felt heavy. I opened my eyes and saw all people wearing whites and the light glared my eyes. I thought I was dead. Then I saw doctor. Then my brother. These are faces I know. And I started to feel my skin. Oh, maybe that's how the feeling when one dies!", he said in awe.

I clearly remembered his countenance when he talked about it, and how we joked when I said that means you were given a second chance to live, to breath. He said yes and he said he was going to fix his life. From the problems he had with the family and everything. And I realised that he died, and this time it was for real. "How was it feel, brother? How was it feel to die?", I whispered. I hoped the pain was not too much for him. I hoped he left in peace. I prayed that he lived peacefully in eternity. Leaving this world and all his problems behind. And meeting God in heaven. Rest in peace my brother, rest in eternal peace...

*In memoriam, our beloved cousin, TF, a people's people, a friend to everyone, from rich to poor, from the popular to the unpopular. Who could blend with almost everyone without border.

Should have been in December 2010

Yeah, that's when U2 came to have concert in Melbourne. I should have written this in December. I have bought the ticket for 46 dollars, with the expectation that I would have been able to fly to Melbourne to watch the concert in early December. To see U2 in person is one of my bucket list I need to check, -I'd often say to myself.

Then my friend, P, woke me up from the utopia, from the lies I kept telling myself. I've been fooling myself by pretending that I would have got the visa in an instance, that's before I transferred money to P to buy me ticket Jakarta-Melbourne for 1st of December 2010. P asked "Hey, by the way, do you have your visa already? cos I have mine, extended for a year stay". I said, "Nope, but I'll try". I did downloaded the visa form, filled some rows already, with too much expectation. Then P said, the sentence was like lighting crashed upon me, like a bucket of ice cubes pouring on my head, waking me up from my dream (OK, that's lebay:), "Ria, I don't think you'll get the visa within 2 months, in addition to the fact that you've just returned from Oz in August. Remember that your scholarship does not allow that you'll get in to Oz before two years". Oh gosh, I thought I should have known that earlier. But I was too nekat, blinded by my strong wish to watch they sing in person. And he told me the truth I didn't really want to hear. And I was sad. He transferred the money for ticket back to me, and I realised that U2 was not yet within my reach..the bucket list #something has not been ticked, yet. SOmeday maybe..someday I hope....

*PS: I met my friend P the other day. He told me that by accident he shook hand with Bono on their way into the stadium where the concert was took place. When he said that, I felt like a brokenhearted person..Broken heart for remembering the chance that I've missed.. :(

First is number 10

Yeah, my first blog post post-Melbourne time is on October 4, 2011 (month number 10 of a year). What a long break! "Where have I been?", I am asking myself the rhetoric question. I don't know, it's probably just the laziness on my part, but to write well I need a combination of quietness, cold weather, beautiful, picturesque view, -a bit of elevation perhaps (to create a sense of perspective, distancing myself from others), -based on my experience in Melbourne.

Ah, I'm exaggerating here. I've been pretty productive with my FS blog, remember? Where have I been when I wrote those things? In Makassar. In Jakarta. In Kupang (I did start writing there, yeah, hot weather, lots of mosquitoes, not quiet at all I reckon, -in one of those new years' eve, I forget the detail). Perhaps it's the combination of poor internet connection, deficit of ideas on my side, a way too much distractions from so many people being around, and so on. Maybe I am just looking for excuses.

Well, again, I don't really know what should I write. But I know WHY I write now. Because I, again, am facing this stuck of ideas to write my ToR (darn, ToR, stuck? that is soooo pathetic dude, we're not talking about academic paper or article or anything, it's a T-O-R, for god shake!). This signifies the urgency of this problem. Of the deficit of ideas. I don't know. I don't really know. Maybe I'm just too tired. 4 days and nights in a row, working all day and night (till midnight, pretty non stop meetings and discussions), have made my mind dull. I wish, this stuck -ing will be over sooner than later. Coz the deadline is on the way. Tomorrow it is.