The melancholic titles

I just realized when scrolling the mouse to the scroll bar on the right hand side of the blog page: most titles of my blog posts are quite depressive. death, mortal, insanity, depression and sort of gothic, dark themes :). Well well, it's just me, I like to reflect the bad sides of life as much as the funny side of it. That's what makes this life interesting, not boring! A perfect mix of flavors, don't you agree?

PS: I used to analyse my personality type -I forgot Francis something is the writer of those kind of books (very popular during my college-time, seemed like everyone at least have read one of them those days). I used to have some significant score for M, or Melancholy. Maybe, that's the cause these melancholic titles emerged.

2.30 in the morning

..and I still can't sleep. this is a sleeping disorder. don't know why, i guess i m just overwhelmed with the tasks and wanted to avoid them by writing and waking up late like this. it's pretty cold outside, the wind flows to my room and chills me. i suppose this is like 25 or 26 degrees. well, nice temperature actually. perfect to sleep. yes, to sleep, not to blog!!!! huh!

Insanity, or just depressed?

Again, about a small talk, this time it was between me, my younger brother and my older sister, with a cousin-in law in a sky dining restaurant in Pla-ngi. The topic was about insanity. Weird, huh? Yeah, I could not recall how the conversation turned into this weird topic. Actually it was when my sister told about her 'phenomenal' experience with a guy who was labeled as 'crazy man' in our hometown. A man who always was avoided by others because was seen as an insane guy. One day, he passed in front of my sister and said hello. The next day, he came and looked for my sister at the uni and started to tell her his story of how his mother died, his father remarried and his step-mom did not treat him well. And he said he got even worse when his father also passed away, and the siblings did not seem to care for him, -and it was worse because he used to be a spoiled boy, him late mom's golden boy. And he made it a habit, because he said my sister is the only person who assumed he is a normal person. He told my sister one day to buy him Rivanol, the liquid antiseptic to cure his wounded leg. He said he was just run amok that day, he destroyed things at home. Everybody was thrilling, but my sister walked with him to a kiosk nearby and bought him the medicine. After that, he sometimes went and forth to the rehabilitation center for curing his 'insanity', and my sister sometimes went to pay him a visit, in which he sometimes told her the story of his amok or sort of weird things such as "these crazy people here don't understand a thing".. Later, he went to Australia to his brother there, worked, got married, got a job and live well. He was restored. He was not insane. And he still called once or twice after he arrived in Australia, speaking like a normal person, appreciated the times when he was treated as 'crazy' by others, and 'normal' by my sister and other family who still have trust him.

Now the question is: so, is sanity and insanity the matter of perspective? Or simply lack of knowledge? He was just a depressed little boy, missing his mom, missing his father, missing the siblings. He lacked attention. He was just need attention, but expressed it differently. He was probably, could have been cured earlier by some doses of anti depressant. After all, at least he found his story ended happily.

The other story was about a relative who seemed like genetically has this depression trait from her predecessor. Her father died from a suicidal action, and she was too. She looked so normal and happy, but the other time she could be so down, so low, so depressed. But they thought she's just emotionally unstable. Apparently, one day, they found her suicide. She was just doing her errands like a normal mother and wife in the morning and she hanged herself to death in the afternoon. How tragic it was! But our analysis was that she might have contracted the bipolar disorder anxiety of some sort. A type that, some time ago we read on the newspaper that Catherine Zeta Jones was looking for a rehabilitation from, due to her roller coaster emotional state during the medication process of her husband, Michael Douglas. So that's the difference: the first case was in Rote, the small island in a developing country, while the latter was in the US, the giant superpower (or used-to-be one). The first was labelled unstable, stressed, the next was bipolar disorder. the first went unknown to the family, and she did not have the idea of what she had, the second looked for help and medication.

Maybe, this should just need to be a reason to give more education to the people of the not-so-educated population in this country, that depression can be cured, that some chemicals can improve one's situation and condition, that one is not necessarily crazy or insane just because they depressed. I guess we're going that way. In the big cities, it was more acceptable now that having a depressed family does not mean it's the end of the world. That some cures are available. That it does not mean a one must be in the prison of 'insanity' label, but they can be freed too, and live normal as others.

Mortal shell

This morning, there was one more sad news, one of my aunt has passed away in Surabaya. Mom was at the airport in Kpg, with all the families, waiting for the body, when I rang her to ask about the news. My prayer is for the family that she left. My cousins and their father who was left behind in this world without the mother and the wife. She's 60 if I'm not mistaken. She has cancer for quite sometimes, a lump that was never really identified by the doctors. The last time I met her she talked about how her faith to Jesus has strengthened her during the time she feared of death. But she received all the good words from the visitors (us and the other relatives) at that time about the importance of keep recalling God's grace, resounding God's never ending love, God's mercy, even during the most troubled times in our lives, which in turn will avoid us from unnecessary fear. 

And tonight, my Bible reading suggested the passages that are taken from Rome 8:26-30, which talked about the Holy Spirit, who speaks for us in our weakness with unspeakable words, in our unspeakable sorrow, in our unspeakable moments. And about how God can bring all the things to be good in Divine perspective (which is not always in accordance with "good" that the human beings defined: health, wealth, prosperity). In Our Daily Bread, the illustration is about the family who lost their 6 yo daughter during a tornado attack. It took them 6 weeks to weep, to mourn on the departure of their daughter. But then they realize that their daughter has left her 'mortal shell' to meet her Savior, and thanked that their daughter has known God during her short course of life on Earth. The story goes on, and the writer of today's reading emphasizes that the departure of their daughter might have been their loss, their sorrow, but it was somehow will complete the whole story of how they should live their lives, why they are here on Earth and other 'whys' that may not all be answered during the course of our temporary life here. 

It is the phrase 'mortal shell' that reminds me of how temporary our life here on Earth. That this body is actually, just a mortal shell for our immortal spirit, to dwell in it just as long as God provides us the breath. Just as He calls us back, He takes away our spirit from the temporary shelter or tent (as Apostle Paul described it) to come to where it belongs: with Him, for those who has received His grace through Jesus'  great salvation.

Jakarta's winter song

Oh, if One Republic's Stop and Stare never ceased to remind me of Melbourne's winter days, I think Adele's Set Fire to the Rain will be that kind of version for rainy Jakarta gloomy season! (I heard it over and over at the office, at my place and even in angkot these days!*)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lsEkBz8JkQY&feature=player_embedded#at=51


* In comparison, I listened to Stop and Stare on the tram and my place over and over as well :)

Winter's day in tropical style

It's the day like today. Gloomy, with sounds of thunder, a bit showery and cool windy day. The Sun can't hardly be seen these days. The soil is wet all the time. It is quiet too. Oh, is it in Melbourne, or London's residential suburbs? No, it's in Jakarta! Yeah, the tropical city of Jakarta! 

But this is January, one of the last days of the month actually, the peak of rainy season, affected by Iggy tropical cyclone that made those sounds of thunder and wind horrifying. But there some signs of tropical: the lush green leaves of rambutan trees and sort of any kind of trees during this season; the crowd of fruit sellers selling: rambutan, mangosteen, duku, durian and more of the tropical fruits (i love them all!) on the street less than a kilometer away from here. 

The grass are even greener than during the typical days unlike these days. Yes, I got a feeling that it's winter. But the tropical signs are everywhere too. Should I just call it a winter's day in tropical style? Or a tropical winter? Just an idea. A rough idea.

*picture from okezone.com

Count your blessings (and not others')!

Had a small talk -chat actually, with a friend the other day. Somehow, the chats went to the job and salary topic. Then come the comparison, on how friends of our 'generation' have reached the 'peak' of their career, or how some people are so lucky, getting there even faster than most of their cohort group. That was when we compared our lives with their lives, our salary to their salary, of how small ours is, mine in particular, which is only a half or even a third of most of my cohort have when they are in my age. Then it came to when I envied my friend she envied mine, -I described why I thought she's luckier and has more prestigious position and she described how I'm luckier and has more prestigious position. After the arguments went on, we realized that we did something funny: envy each other! Then came into a conclusion: people do tend to see others as more successful than they do, or have more money than they do, or luckier than them. We thought it over and we agreed that 'grass is always greeener in the other side' is indeed true. We desired what belongs to another, the definition of covet, it is.

Well, it's when I remember that it is exactly what God said, in the Ten Commandment, the 10th rule: 

"thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's wife, nor his manservant, nor his maidservant, nor his ox, nor his ass, nor any thing that is thy neighbor's".

Then I started to roll over to review the days of my life. Have I ever been in need, deprived of anything material? Certainly not. My Lord God is the God that always provide me with His blessings sufficiently, or even abundantly. I've never been that rich, but I've never been that poor either. I've been able to lend money to those in crisis, able to give a hand to others in need, always afford to give my tithe and I've always lived in relatively good environment (again, not luxury, but not deprived certainly), and still have even more to travel around and hang out with friends. I rarely looked at myself as someone lacking money or blessings, when it comes to material or money. God has never never hold His blessings from me. When this thought came to my mind, I felt a bit guilty. Feeling guilty for looking at my friends whose salary is double or even triple my current salary (they are nice people I know, and I feel thankful for them too). Feeling guilty for looking at my friends whose career are brighter than mine. And for comparing their blessings with mine. 

I suddenly thought, if I were God, I must be upset, and I will ask back to people like me: 

a.) Have you ever been deprived materially, in your life? 

b) Have you ever found it difficult to buy food? 

c) Have you ever not been given shelter to put your head on to sleep at nights of your life? 

d) Have you ever found it difficult to help those in need with your money? 

If the answer is NO for all the questions, then, there simply supposed to be NO question at all about blessings. So, it's probably just the problem of envy. Envy is poisonous. And to cure my soul from the poison, there is one, among others, antidote: I was asked, to count my blessings (and not others'). And feel contented about it. And feel grateful about it. 

Happy Sunday everyone!

Eden Restored

Eden Restored*

 ¹ Then the angel showed me the river of the water of life, as clear as crystal, flowing from the throne of God and of the Lamb ² down the middle of the great street of the city. On each side of the river stood the tree of life, bearing twelve crops of fruit, yielding its fruit every month. And the leaves of the tree are for the healing of the nations. ³ No longer will there be any curse. The throne of God and of the Lamb will be in the city, and his servants will serve him. ⁴ They will see his face, and his name will be on their foreheads. ⁵ There will be no more night. They will not need the light of a lamp or the light of the sun, for the Lord God will give them light. And they will reign for ever and ever.

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 *The Bible Reading today: Revelation 22:1-5 - New International Version (NIV)

The interpretation from Our Daily Bread: http://www.odb.org/

In a TV commercial I saw recently, the kids argued in the back seat of the car about where to stop for dinner. One wanted pizza; another chicken. Mom, in the front passenger seat, said, “No, we’ll stop for a hamburger.”
Dad quickly solved the family disagreement with this idea: “We’ll stop at the buffet restaurant, and you can each have what you want and all you want.” The commercial closes with the words, “Take care of family squabbles about what’s for dinner. Go to _____ Buffet, the ‘Land of And.’”
When I saw that commercial, I thought of another “Land of And”: heaven. It is a place that will have all we need. Foremost, we will be in the very presence of Almighty God. In describing heaven, the apostle John said, “The throne of God and of the Lamb shall be in it” (Rev. 22:3). Our thirsty souls will be completely satisfied from the “pure river of water of life” that proceeds from His throne (22:1), for He says to His people, “I will give . . . freely to him who thirsts” (21:6). Another “and” in this land will be the tree of life for “the healing of the nations” (22:2). What we won’t find in this Land of And are the curse (22:3), death, sorrow, and tears (21:4).
We’ll be completely satisfied in that Land of And. Are you ready to go?

There is a land of pure delight,
Where saints immortal reign;
Infinite day excludes the night,
And pleasures banish pain. —Watts

Earth—the land of trials; heaven—the land of joys.

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My thought:

I think I was born with a DNA codes that lead my mind to believe that there is that faraway land, that I always feel like I miss it every time, a kind of unaddressed pain, which I believe it does truly exist, that somehow, some time, I will have the chance to see it, to live in it one day. That it is my real, genuine, original home. For every time I moved, I still felt like something is missing, that I don't really belong here or there, nor the place where I've been before, not the place that I stayed after. That I am, after all, just a small boat sails over the ocean; stopping by at a harbor to see the city, and then leaving to another city and moves on again and again, comma, until one day, I will meet the last ultimate harbor, where I throw the anchor, forever, in eternity full stop. The land of unknown. A kind of land behind the sea swallow curtain of Azlan's Kingdom in the Chronicles of Narnia (C.S. Lewis). There must be one last stop for all this travel in this profane Earth. That last stop is this Eden, the restored Eden, that the Bible passage talks about today. The land where people sing and praise the entire day and day (since there will be no nights no more), umm, I'm not even sure if time does exist there, because time measurement: the sun, the planets, the moon, will be no longer exist. Then forever it is, eternal it is, in that far faraway land.    

Stuck, again

I'm in the middle of post-holiday syndrome. Yep, it's the work-blue syndrome. It means there are a lot of things to do but I chose to do something else that has no relation to it. Well well..bad habit..it comes again. My brain seems to refuse to work, for whatever reason I dont know. It just shut the door to the cortex close. I couldnt command it to open and do a simple analysis. I feel so stupid these days. I stared at the laptop screen and found nothing. Not any ideas spark out of my mind. They just conspired against me I guessss....*sigh*. Do I need more holiday? That's just too much, I've just had 2 weeks and want more? Is it what they called 'deterioration'? Hope not :(

Today I don't feel like doing anything..a week after New Year's Day

Today is January 8, exactly a week after New Year's Day. I could not believe it's been a week already. See, last week I was in my hometown with Mom and family. I flew back on the 4th, met some girls from my hometown in the plane, have a big lunch with them in Jak, and met with my youngest brother in the nearby mall (where else you can meet but in shopping malls?). On the 5th, I tried hard to tune in with the work rhythm and failed I guess. I could only survive until 5.30, not a normal time for me actually. I was too sleepy and still contracting the 'holiday fever'. The next day was Friday already. I attended a meeting, which consequence was that I have to attend the follow up meeting the next day, which was Saturday. Perfect! Working in weekend during the new year's week! I could not believe it. I always thought that after returning from holiday, I could have some days for tuning in first. It was not the case, unfortunately. Well, that's life I guess. Maybe that way, I wouldn't have to pass weekend wondering what to do (oh, I knew that I would have a long sleep anyway!). The result of all this was, I woke up 10 am today, on Sunday. That paid off all these 'not supposedly work on weekend on the new year's week' hype. Bruno Mars' song came into my mind suddenly: The Lazy Song. Here's the lyrics (I also copied the link and put it on my FB wall, it's so relevant). And oh, I realized that it got 257 million hits on Youtube...gosh, that's something!! That's more than the entire Indonesian population altogether!! (conclusion: either there are as many lazy people in this world, or simply because the clip and the song is funny, I agree to both conclusions:)

Anyhow, enjoy!

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Lazy Song - Bruno Mars

Today I don't feel like doing anything
I just wanna lay in my bed
Don't feel like picking up my phone, so leave a message at the tone
'Cause today I swear I'm not doing anything

I'm gonna kick my feet up then stare at the fan
Turn the TV on, throw my hand in my pants
Nobody's gon' tell me I can't

I'll be lounging on the couch just chilling in my Snuggie
Click to MTV so they can teach me how to dougie
'Cause in my castle I'm the freaking man

Oh yes, I said it, I said it
I said it 'cause I can

Today I don't feel like doing anything
I just wanna lay in my bed
Don't feel like picking up my phone, so leave a message at the tone
'Cause today I swear I'm not doing anything
Nothing at all, nothing at all

Tomorrow I'll wake up, do some P90X
Find a really nice girl, have some really nice sex
And she's gonna scream out
[From: http://www.elyrics.net/read/b/bruno-mars-lyrics/the-lazy-song-lyrics.html]
This is great
(Oh my god, this is great)

Yeah, I might mess around
And get my college degree
I bet my old man will be so proud of me
But sorry pops, you'll just have to wait

Oh yes, I said it, I said it
I said it 'cause I can

Today I don't feel like doing anything
I just wanna lay in my bed
Don't feel like picking up my phone, so leave a message at the tone
'Cause today I swear I'm not doing anything

No, I ain't gonna comb my hair
'Cause I ain't going anywhere
No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no

I'll just strut in my birthday suit
And let everything hang loose
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah

Oh, today I don't feel like doing anything
I just wanna lay in my bed
Don't feel like picking up my phone, so leave a message at the tone
'Cause today I swear I'm not doing anything

Nothing at all
Nothing at all
Nothing at all