Off for clarity

Let the problem be undermined.

It is not even a problem, by definition, because it is a problem, which might help to show me more clearly, what is it there for me, in a problematic relationship already.

Why, because it is just the right time to clear the doubts, uncertainties, anger, and so on from my mind, -if not from our minds.

So, I don't think I need to overthink about it. It will be my loss if I spend my valuable time by overthinking this issue. This is a non-issue.

Therefore, this time-off should be seen as 'off for clarity'. The function is to clarify so much unclarity things between us. If he is for me, he'll get back no matter what, but if he's not, he'll get away no matter what. There is no use in overthinking about him or future with him or anything.

I'd better live my life one day at a time, thinking about my research, and how to be a better person, a better version of me. How to be more useful for humanity, others and God...and again, reflect and re-view how to make my life better than before, not worse. Projecting how life can be more useful and not to satisfy what others think about.

Emotional cave

I met my girl friends these days in many different occassions. On the trip to somewhere, at their apartment, at their house, at shopping malls, at restaurants, at various different cafes, all sort of places. All of them tell their stories about their relationships with men. I found out that many, -as mine, are often, hitting rocks, some, bottom rock, bumped, and severely got through their ups and downs. I feel like I see a chronicle, or drama, or in some cases, tragedy (at least two or three stories ended up in divorce).

With the closest ones, whom I know both the women and the men, or so, I found out that their stories are all bout adjustments, compromising, dialogues, collective thinking on issues, different thoughts and actions to respond to issues and events...or the absence of these. And I just think, oh is it worth all these efforts? Again, is relationship, worth to maintain and to keep? What about economics? Earning capacity? Level of thinking? The way they think and solve issues?

What if, all things have nothing in common but love? But then, what is love? Perfect love, doesn't see what and who and why someone sholud love someone else. Just love. Without the why and how and what and who. Just love. But hey, it's an agape, the type of love that God only is able to practice. That is, love a person, simply for he and she is. Not because of attributes attitudes or anything else. But hey, the world is so complex. We don't live in vacuum, we live in context. We pay bills, we eat, we think, we exercise our thoughts. How come we stop doing all that, we do not exchange our thoughts, we do not think the way we think, we change our attitude, we change the way we are, because of love?  I do not think that's how things should be.

I have a friend, who married to a guy, who is good looking and not bad financially. She has 3 beautiful children, a boy and a girl, they have been married for 15 years. Like, a perfect happy family. But from what she tells us, it's not a fulfiling marriage. It's just a marriage. Without adjective. A marriage, where they legally have shared economic responsibilties toward their children. The husband stays far away, she stays in different city. They meet only at weekends. She practically raised her children by herself. Most of the time, her husband is in different city. Their personalities are world away. She's talkative, socialite, active in here and there, smiley, chatty, smart. She has an army of male fans. He is quiet, super introvert, he doesn't like to mingle with other people too much. He stays away from her wife's social life because he cannot stand it. I just don't get it. What kind of marriage is that? To me, it is more of a status, social status. And it is because that involves kids. But for how long you have to surpress yourself to adjust with your spouse? To what level? Do you change because of love, or relationships, to the level where you feel, you are not yourself anymore? I don't think it is a good idea. Love is not fake. It is to be who you are and make you a better person. Am I growing? Am I becoming a better person when I am with him, or am I not? If I have to fake myself to become with someone, will I be happy?  

If you are not happy with who you are, how come you be happy with someone else? I think my case is just different. I think it is different way around. I was happy with my life. Then someone else came in. I think he will make me happier, a better person. But no, I happened to be a gloomier person, more anxious about future, about money, about being in poverty. He doesn't like people so much. He doesn't like discussion, conversations. He does not love God or have faith and hope in something greater. He does not like to laugh much. He does not like to talk. He is not warm. He is not so much of an optimist. Life is tough, gloomy and about doing things, not to think things over or reflect. He does not have curiousity, which resulted in so boring meet up over beer, or just enjoying nature without talking at all; which I think is a bit creepy. He does not have so much money, which is OK for me, but to some extent, have added into my own worry about money. He just want a relationship, where he has a person that is always by his side, so that he is not alone doing things, driving to countrysides by himself, doing activities together. But hey, what's left when we are not strong enough to do those things, when we are too old to go out and against the weather? Sit and quiet? Not talking? Depressing!  

Yet, everyone would prefer a stable, married people in top corporate position. Everyone loves adorable kids and happy parents, teaching the world about parenting and future generation. Compare to the singles, people would prefer a married person to be in top position. But what about people in wrecked marriage, who are there for the social status? Idolating marriage is, I think, equal to creating a new idol in life. The marriage itself.

Does the phrase love conquers all, mean anything? Something? Or maybe, we're just afraid to be alone sometimes, but not all the time, and in the end, decides that loneliness alone, is not a good reason to be in a relationship that brings so much broken hearts and tears into our life? Some women are then, brave enough to decide that it is enough. Tying the knot is good, when you're in love, and can together examine issues and problems in similar attitude. The basic problem is, when attitude towards life is different, it is easy to find next that all different issues emerge like mushrooms in the damp. Bubbling. Bursting. In one way over another, it happens one day, it will.

Dan ini adalah bacaan dari Our Daily Bread hari ini, Saturday, 26 May 2018.

Psalm 142[a]

A maskil[b] of David. When he was in the cave. A prayer.

1 I cry aloud to the Lord;
    I lift up my voice to the Lord for mercy.
2 I pour out before him my complaint;
    before him I tell my trouble.

3 When my spirit grows faint within me,
    it is you who watch over my way.

INSIGHT

The heading to Psalm 142 says, “A maskil of David. When he was in the cave. A prayer.” But we might also call this song “David’s cry.” The poetic imagery woven into the lyric rings with authenticity because it flows out of David’s actual experiences. Twice he fled to a cave in fear for his life. Few of us can identify with that situation literally, but nearly all of us can relate to David’s metaphorical cave of loneliness and despair. When he uses words like “cry” (v. 1) and “complaint” (v. 2), we know how he feels. His “spirit grows faint” (v. 3), a “snare” has been set for him (v. 3), and “no one is concerned” (v. 4). David even sees his dilemma as “my prison” (v. 7). Yet he knows the trustworthiness of the One he cries out to, and he anticipates a day when “the righteous will gather about [him]” (v. 7). He will not always be desperately lonely.

Does an emotional cave imprison you today? Consider writing out your thoughts in raw honesty and giving them to God. How might that kind of honesty change your prayers? 

So here I am, writing down my thoughts, my worries, my anxiety, my thoughts. 

Di kala kucemas (Ruth Sahanaya)

Di kala kucemas akan masa depan
Dalam kehidupanku
Ku mau lihat burung-burung di udara
Yang tak mengumpulkan bekal
Tapi hidup dalam suka
Ku mau lihat bunga-bunga yang di padang
Yang hidup hari ini
Dan esok layu kembali

Kadang ku takut
Aku ragu, aku bimbang
Kulupa ada yang Kuasa
Yang dapat memberi sukacita

Ku mau jadi burung
Ku mau jadi bunga
Yang tak ada rasa takut
Dengan rasa percaya diri
Aku maju tanpa ragu
Kar'na Kau Penolongku