Consolation where art thou?

*pic from Steven Lavaggi-Consolation

I guess I'm old enough 
to deal with sorrow
Mature enough to know 
when to stop being sad
I thought I was strong

(it's raining outside, torrential first rain of this rainy season)

But not, I am not that tough
My chest is like being stabbed
It is still bleeding
Every time I recall the days, 
the talks, 
the laughter, 
the stories
The supposedly time 
to spend with her 
in her last days
I ache
To hear her voice again
To see her face again
To stroke her shoulder and her arms
To kiss her wrinkled cheeks
To smell her familiar scent
To talk about the crumbles of the days over the phone
About stupid things and dreams and future and silly jokes

And this sleeping disorder hasn't got away
After a month of her departure to the other side of the reality
To the afterlife world
Wondering how does it like over there?
No replies

So to cope with the loss:
I laugh a lot these days
I talk too much these days
I chat too often these days
I watch movies, I eat at the restaurants, the cafes
Talking to strangers on the buses and trains
Thousands of words spread to friends and lover
Appointments, hang outs, loud music, soft music, drinks, foods, fleshly pleasures
Trying to keep the grief away from my mind

But nothing
None of them reach my painful chest
It's still untouchable

The shock
The unbelief
The numbness
The longing
The grief
They wouldn't get away anytime soon, would they?

(the mosque is broadcasting the call for evening prayer outside, and the rain just stopped)

Maybe I have been looking for consolation at the wrong places..