Emotional cave

I met my girl friends these days in many different occassions. On the trip to somewhere, at their apartment, at their house, at shopping malls, at restaurants, at various different cafes, all sort of places. All of them tell their stories about their relationships with men. I found out that many, -as mine, are often, hitting rocks, some, bottom rock, bumped, and severely got through their ups and downs. I feel like I see a chronicle, or drama, or in some cases, tragedy (at least two or three stories ended up in divorce).

With the closest ones, whom I know both the women and the men, or so, I found out that their stories are all bout adjustments, compromising, dialogues, collective thinking on issues, different thoughts and actions to respond to issues and events...or the absence of these. And I just think, oh is it worth all these efforts? Again, is relationship, worth to maintain and to keep? What about economics? Earning capacity? Level of thinking? The way they think and solve issues?

What if, all things have nothing in common but love? But then, what is love? Perfect love, doesn't see what and who and why someone sholud love someone else. Just love. Without the why and how and what and who. Just love. But hey, it's an agape, the type of love that God only is able to practice. That is, love a person, simply for he and she is. Not because of attributes attitudes or anything else. But hey, the world is so complex. We don't live in vacuum, we live in context. We pay bills, we eat, we think, we exercise our thoughts. How come we stop doing all that, we do not exchange our thoughts, we do not think the way we think, we change our attitude, we change the way we are, because of love?  I do not think that's how things should be.

I have a friend, who married to a guy, who is good looking and not bad financially. She has 3 beautiful children, a boy and a girl, they have been married for 15 years. Like, a perfect happy family. But from what she tells us, it's not a fulfiling marriage. It's just a marriage. Without adjective. A marriage, where they legally have shared economic responsibilties toward their children. The husband stays far away, she stays in different city. They meet only at weekends. She practically raised her children by herself. Most of the time, her husband is in different city. Their personalities are world away. She's talkative, socialite, active in here and there, smiley, chatty, smart. She has an army of male fans. He is quiet, super introvert, he doesn't like to mingle with other people too much. He stays away from her wife's social life because he cannot stand it. I just don't get it. What kind of marriage is that? To me, it is more of a status, social status. And it is because that involves kids. But for how long you have to surpress yourself to adjust with your spouse? To what level? Do you change because of love, or relationships, to the level where you feel, you are not yourself anymore? I don't think it is a good idea. Love is not fake. It is to be who you are and make you a better person. Am I growing? Am I becoming a better person when I am with him, or am I not? If I have to fake myself to become with someone, will I be happy?  

If you are not happy with who you are, how come you be happy with someone else? I think my case is just different. I think it is different way around. I was happy with my life. Then someone else came in. I think he will make me happier, a better person. But no, I happened to be a gloomier person, more anxious about future, about money, about being in poverty. He doesn't like people so much. He doesn't like discussion, conversations. He does not love God or have faith and hope in something greater. He does not like to laugh much. He does not like to talk. He is not warm. He is not so much of an optimist. Life is tough, gloomy and about doing things, not to think things over or reflect. He does not have curiousity, which resulted in so boring meet up over beer, or just enjoying nature without talking at all; which I think is a bit creepy. He does not have so much money, which is OK for me, but to some extent, have added into my own worry about money. He just want a relationship, where he has a person that is always by his side, so that he is not alone doing things, driving to countrysides by himself, doing activities together. But hey, what's left when we are not strong enough to do those things, when we are too old to go out and against the weather? Sit and quiet? Not talking? Depressing!  

Yet, everyone would prefer a stable, married people in top corporate position. Everyone loves adorable kids and happy parents, teaching the world about parenting and future generation. Compare to the singles, people would prefer a married person to be in top position. But what about people in wrecked marriage, who are there for the social status? Idolating marriage is, I think, equal to creating a new idol in life. The marriage itself.

Does the phrase love conquers all, mean anything? Something? Or maybe, we're just afraid to be alone sometimes, but not all the time, and in the end, decides that loneliness alone, is not a good reason to be in a relationship that brings so much broken hearts and tears into our life? Some women are then, brave enough to decide that it is enough. Tying the knot is good, when you're in love, and can together examine issues and problems in similar attitude. The basic problem is, when attitude towards life is different, it is easy to find next that all different issues emerge like mushrooms in the damp. Bubbling. Bursting. In one way over another, it happens one day, it will.

Dan ini adalah bacaan dari Our Daily Bread hari ini, Saturday, 26 May 2018.

Psalm 142[a]

A maskil[b] of David. When he was in the cave. A prayer.

1 I cry aloud to the Lord;
    I lift up my voice to the Lord for mercy.
2 I pour out before him my complaint;
    before him I tell my trouble.

3 When my spirit grows faint within me,
    it is you who watch over my way.

INSIGHT

The heading to Psalm 142 says, “A maskil of David. When he was in the cave. A prayer.” But we might also call this song “David’s cry.” The poetic imagery woven into the lyric rings with authenticity because it flows out of David’s actual experiences. Twice he fled to a cave in fear for his life. Few of us can identify with that situation literally, but nearly all of us can relate to David’s metaphorical cave of loneliness and despair. When he uses words like “cry” (v. 1) and “complaint” (v. 2), we know how he feels. His “spirit grows faint” (v. 3), a “snare” has been set for him (v. 3), and “no one is concerned” (v. 4). David even sees his dilemma as “my prison” (v. 7). Yet he knows the trustworthiness of the One he cries out to, and he anticipates a day when “the righteous will gather about [him]” (v. 7). He will not always be desperately lonely.

Does an emotional cave imprison you today? Consider writing out your thoughts in raw honesty and giving them to God. How might that kind of honesty change your prayers? 

So here I am, writing down my thoughts, my worries, my anxiety, my thoughts. 

Di kala kucemas (Ruth Sahanaya)

Di kala kucemas akan masa depan
Dalam kehidupanku
Ku mau lihat burung-burung di udara
Yang tak mengumpulkan bekal
Tapi hidup dalam suka
Ku mau lihat bunga-bunga yang di padang
Yang hidup hari ini
Dan esok layu kembali

Kadang ku takut
Aku ragu, aku bimbang
Kulupa ada yang Kuasa
Yang dapat memberi sukacita

Ku mau jadi burung
Ku mau jadi bunga
Yang tak ada rasa takut
Dengan rasa percaya diri
Aku maju tanpa ragu
Kar'na Kau Penolongku

Mimpi-mimpi, orang-orang dan ayat-ayat

Tadi malam sebelum saya tidur, saya chat dengan teman baik saya, A, tentang vibes, tentang bagaimana sesuatu yang tadinya dipikir supernatural, ternyata ada penjelasan ilmiahnya, yaitu dari body chemicals, bagaimana kita menilai vibe dari suatu tempat atau seseorang. Terus, kami bercerita tentang bagaimana masih sedih dan terpukulnya seorang teman yang ditinggal pergi oleh suaminya yang adalah teman baik saya, dalam usia yang sangat muda, 40 tahun, karena sakit yang mendadak merenggut nyawanya. Kami juga bercerita tentang seorang perempuan lain yang juga bernama sama seperti saya, bahkan berusia 2 tahun lebih muda, yang juga nyawanya terenggut karena kecelakaan motor kemarin di Jakarta, yang rupanya adalah mutual friend dari banyak teman kami.

Lalu sayapun melanjutkan pekerjaan menerjemahkan transkrip ini samai sekitar setengah dua malam. Sesudah mematikan lampu, saya masih sedikit terbayang-bayang wajah teman saya yang baru meninggal itu, masih ingat suara dan wajahnya, karena saya baru membuka FB-nya, dalam rangka bercaap2 dengan A malam itu, melihat foto-fotonya dan postingan2nya dan komen-komen saya di postingannya dan komen-komennya di postingan saya. Saya terhenyak, bahwa komen terakhir baik saya di wall-nya maupun sebaliknya, hanya baru 6 weeks ago, 9 weeks ago, 11 weeks ago dan few weeks ago. It's tantalising. Bagaimana sebuah hidup yang begitu muda, yang begitu penuh dengan masa depan, direnggut begitu saja, membuat istri dan bayinya sebatangkara, hanya dalam hitungan hari saja.

Sampai saya ketiduran, pemikiran tentang betapa rentannya hidup dan batas hidup-mati ini masih terbayang-bayang. Dan tertidurlah saya. Pagi ini saya bangun dan mengingat-ingat kembali mimpi saya semalam. Saya teringat bahwa teman saya dan ibu saya almarhum ada dalam mimpi saya, bersama dengan beberapa orang lain yang saya sudah tahu sudah meninggal. Tentu saja, mereka nampak biasa, seperti orang-orang yang masih hidup, bercakap-cakap dan beraktifitas. Lalu saya ingat lagi, bahwa dalam salah satu kesempatan interaksi itu, saya ngomong dengan ibu saya, kalau tidak salah saya bilang, "Mak, ayo kembali ke sini (ke dunia orang hidup, ke dunia)". Mama saya menjawab dengan ringan dan kemungkinan, kalau saya tidak ingat, sambil senyum-senyum, "Tidak usah lah".  Lalu saya sedikit kesal (kalau tidak salah ingat)

Seperti biasa, mimpi saya selalu merupakan olahan dari apa yang saya pikirkan, saya baca, saya bicarakan dan saya alami, dalam suatu mix yang absurd dan sangat tidak jelas. Saya baru ingat bahwa siangnya saya sempat baca tentang bagaimana penjahat di sebelah salib Yesus diampuni pada akhir-akhir dari hidupnya, hanya karena berseru pada Yesus. Dan saya juga baca tentang si pengemis Lazarus yang mati dan duduk di pangkuan Abraham -ini akibat infografis tentang kisah Isra' Mi'raj yang dikirim teman saya lain yang ada cerita tentang Ibrahim dan Musa di lapisan surga kesekian, dan si orang kaya yang sombong, yang menderita di neraka yang panas, dan meminta seorang mati untuk dihidupkan kembali dan mengabarkan tentang azab akhirat kepada saudara-saudaranya di dunia agar bertobat. Permintaan ini ditolak Tuhan karena kata Tuhan, ada kitab-kitab Musa dan para nabi pada mereka, kalau mereka tidak percaya itu, sekalipun ada orang mati hidup lagi, ya mereka tetap tidak akan percaya juga, anyway.

Anehnya, pagi ini, saya bangun jam 7.20-an, lalu, kebiasaan yang sudah beberapa hari ini tidak saya lakukan lagi karena sibuk, adalah membuka Our Daily Bread dan membaca Alkitab. Tahu apa topik dan ayat bacaan dari ODB pagi ini? Saya kutipkan bacaan Alkitabnya di sini:

Psalm 39:4-6 New International Version (NIV)

4 “Show me, Lord, my life’s end
    and the number of my days;
    let me know how fleeting my life is.
5 You have made my days a mere handbreadth;
    the span of my years is as nothing before you.
Everyone is but a breath,
    even those who seem secure.[a]

6 “Surely everyone goes around like a mere phantom;
    in vain they rush about, heaping up wealth
    without knowing whose it will finally be.

Tentunya, saya cukup kaget karena kok pembacaannya begini, pas banget dengan semua obrolan, pemikiran, kejadian dan bahkan mimpi saya semalam. Judul bacaannya: "Just a second", dengan kalimat penutup seperti ini:

Recalling what he has already learned about the Source of joy and hope, he sees how reliant he is on the eternal God to help him see more than the momentary distraction of passing wealth (vv. 7–13).

Could this be a good time to see ourselves in David’s song?

And all I can say is: "Amen, let God be glorified through my fleeting life in this Earth, which is just a mere handbreadth", as David sang in this Psalm. Hallelujah, all praises I give only unto Thee!

Is r*********p overrated?

Is r*********p overrated?
Simply because I had no experience in this field, is it fair to think that this is not correct, this is not what it supposed to be when people are in r****?
I would say what I think. However is the acceptance from the other side.
He must understand that in this world, there are many people who think differently than him, and it's worth learning.
If the curiousity is there, the interest is there, everyone, sure, can learn.
If not, it's another story.
Begging is not my thing.
I'll say it, and I'll leave it there for the other side to pick up my words.
But no begging whatsoever anymore.
I guess, it's because I made myself aloof from G*d. It's just the result, the hollow in my heart, in my confidence, in my self esteem. And a little bit of loneliness because of a quiet social life.

Palm Sunday sermon 2018

The sermon today by Rev Steve Lie, at GKI Wahid Hasyim today, Palm Sunday 2018, 25 March 2018.

It's taken from Mark 15: "Pengadilan, keadilan atau kepentingan?" -- "Court, justice or interest?".

The reverend reminds the congregation that full justice cannot be found in this world, as it has never been. It was culminated in the trial of the Son of Man, Jesus Christ himself. So, don't expect it. But do honest anyway, although you know that you'll be losing in trial and court, because that is how the world is and has been. He also illustrated the Ahok case and 212 rally. He reminds that Barabas' name is also Jesus, and it's a good imitation of Jesus the Christ.

And suddenly I remember my late father. These are resonated his last words to me in 2007, so about 10 years and few months ago before he died. When I was in rage, and told him that I was about to go to court for my industrial relation case, he said "Don't think that if you are right, you'll win. No, it's not the case. Good and righteous people lose their case in courts and trials. So, prepare yourself. Because that is not how the world operates".

Also, suddenly I remember this theme occurs repeatedly in our conversations with friends and family. Also with the books that I read, from CS Lewis to Philip Yancey on this theme: justice. Is God a just God, or not? Is He fair in His decisions? Why good people lose and bad people win?

And see how Jesus responded to that unjust trial?:

1. He answered straightforwardly, no more and no less than the truth. 

“Are you the king of the Jews?” asked Pilate. 
“You have said so,” Jesus replied. 

And he said no more. Because it was unecessary. It's the truth, and it's undebatable. The reverend says that all people which qualifications are SH or MH know this too well. They know well that a court IS NOT the place to seek for justice.

2. He prayed for them when He's at the cross.

Jesus said, "Father, forgive them, for they do not know what they are doing."

He still forgive them anyway. No matter how much they mocked Him and accused Him.

So, it means be honest, and do good, anyway. No matter how, because we know, that we have a better hope, after this life, when we're in better land and be the citizen of the Kingdom of God. The suffering in this world, is necessary, but is temporary. Because when our eyes and our hope are anchored in His Kingdom where His rules fully applied, they're all just different.

It is well with their souls, rest in peace friends..

Two loss in seven months, born 1977

First loss is on August 9, 2017

Second loss is on March 22, 2018

They died seven months away from each other. They both were born in 1977, one in March and one in September. They both survived by their spouses and one only daughters. They both waited for years before having their first and only child. The first one was married for more than 5 years before having a daughter, the second one was married for about 4 years before having a daughter. The first's daughter named Audy, 5 years old, and the second's Anaia, meaning, Answer from God, 7 months old. And Audrey means, noble and strength.

They both were of my best friends

The first one was my childhood friend, -which means, we're befriended since we were in our early age, like 7 or 9 years old. Our houses are very close, only two houses away, less than 100 meters away. We had so much in common: from the same socio-economic class, and similarly intorverted, a quality which was rarely found in the so-happy-go-round-dancey type of Eastern Indonesia culture like that of my hometown.

The second one was my former co-worker, at the workplace that is our first job after graduated from university. I and my other colleagues interviewed him in 2002, the first time he was entering development job. We have so much in common: graduated from Engineering Faculty, active in Christian students' fellowship unit, and finding development job interesting and intriguing. He went to the same office, and same university.

She was one of the rare friend left in K-town when I return home.  He was one of my close cricle of friend that I usually catch up with when I return to J-town. I even have a WA group which members are only four of us: he and his wife, me and C, our mutual friend. I don't know what will happen with that WA group now. Kinda painful.

It's a shock to learn about her death. I cried a lot, I couldn't sleep well for a night or two remembering her, thinking about how empty it's going to be when I'm home and can't meet with her. She died of breast cancer, which was identified a year or so earlier, but she refused to get chemotherapy, and kept saying it's because she's afraid to die. She looked for alternative therapy instead. And she did not survive.

It's a shock to learn about his death, a sudden death, not a protracted one. He was diagnosed gailbladder stone, and developed into leakage in interstine and infection all over the body which could not be saved even after he was evacuated to S-state and being surgery to stop the infection. It was a shock. I went to the hospital right away after my flight from M-town, where he was unconcious for a week, and saw him before he was flown to S-state with ambulance. A week later, they flew him back to J-town, died.

It's quite stressful to learn that they both left "just like that", because they both were younger, and both have NCDs. 40 years and 5 months, and 40 years and 6 months. They both did not see 41. 

My head is aching when remembering them. Too much memories in my head, almost unmanageable, from 1980s to 2000s. I have to save and savour them and press them to a space in my brain, and maybe, by time, forget the memories. But for now, I just think, they will still mingling in my mind. They were gone too soon. They we too young.

I know they had their rest from this hustle bustle world. They lay in paradise to wait for the Last Day when we all see Jesus. Only with this hope that I can know well, that it is well with their souls.

And that we shall meet on that beautiful shore...

Twenty years on..

Suddenly, I feel so old.

Today, my eldest niece is being graduated from the university. She's about to be 21 years old now. Younger than her peers, because she started her primary school when she's 5 years old.
Her mother was graduated, I think, about 19 or 20 years ago. And I was there, with Mom. Where did I come from? I think from Malang, because Mom was there in Jakarta.

And.. here's another graduation. Twenty years on..

Procrastination

Look, why do I always avoid to write my draft? Tell me about it? What is your problem? Is it just because your brain can't think? Or your mind can't concentrate? If your mind can't concentrate, why? Is it just because you fail to put your concentration in one centre, or you try to avoid problems (which brings more problems indeed)?

1. Sudah buka Word document dan Endnote library
2. Sudah menuju paragraf terakhir
3. Sadar bahwa terakhir berhenti karena stuck dan merasa bodoh.

By not start even with a word, the habit just isn't there. The habit to write, to be productive. Instead, you are just buying your time, waiting for the next deadline and crisis to come, and you are hurry like beasts in the forest fire.