That look, on the window of a cafe

I have been sitting at this cafe at central part of the capital since 11 am in the morning. Panic attack making me stay this long. My paper is almost due, in a week to be exact, and I have really nothing in hand that looks structured. I start to feel the anxiety kicks in.

I have been staying home last weekend because of my cold and cough, and felt better this morning, when A asked me whether I wanted to work in public space or not. Working in public space is not necessarily my hobby as I tend to concentrate well in my secluded space, where no one walks around or talks around. And of course, for economical reason, no need to order food or beverage, that can cost me a few days' meal.

Now it's nearly 6.30 pm, 2 cappucinos, a chicken cordon bleu and a pot of hot lemongrass tea after, I stare at the window outside. It's started to look like a city night life scene outside. The lights are turned on. Neon lights. Crystal lights from a crystal lights shop at the second floor of the shopping mall right across the street. I looked outside. Something is moving. A woman's head right at the window, she's walking, and she also looking inside. She doesn't see me as I look at her slow motion. I can see her carrying a sack of things. She's a scavenger. Rubbish collector.

And I suddenly feel a rush of sadness. An irony struck me a chord. This cafe is full of people sitting and chatting. Spending hundred of thousand for coffee and small bites of snack and food. And this woman, perhaps all the money that I spend today, worth her daily income. I feel quite sick of this irony. I am that middle-class, she's the lower-class. We encounter the same spot at the GPS should spots it, as Google perhaps record this encounter as spots, if she has an internet connection, if she has a gadget with her.

I don't know. I have no idea how should I feel. Or do. I can't do much now. Probably I should just concern of the inequality. When I am at the higher spot of the ladder, more than when I am at the lower spot of the ladder, like she is now. Maybe.

I remember that look now. And I don't know what to do.

My daily Bread - rizq

This morning devotion is about 'Hope in Grief', with Bible verses reading are taken from Luke 24: 13-32, On the road to Emmaus. 

This is a very familiar story for us Christians. Every Christians who grew up in a Christian family, read Bible and went to Sunday School, are pretty familiar with this story. The only name I can recall is Cleopas, one of the companions who converse with Jesus without realising that He is the Lord that they were talking about in that contemporary Jerusalem. I can imagine Jerusalem, the City of Light in those days. Perhaps few thousand urbanites and migrant Jews lived there, the pilgrims before Pesah festival. 

Everyone talks about this rebellious Jesus and His disciples. He is just a villager from Nazareth who turned out a prophet, and worse, blasphemous person for saying that He has the authority in par with the authority that Yahweh has. The Roman government in Judea has made its decision to follow the crowd's will: punish Him to death. And with the crucifixion, buried the hope they had for Him to free Israel as a nation, that's always defeated since King David. 

Long story short, Jesus talked with Cleopas, and even ate with them in the dining table for dinner [hence question about His new resurrected flesh - it is not a ghostly body, invisible and untouchable. It is touchable, visible, carrying remarks from His past life - the nailed pierced hands - and can eat if He wants to]. And their eyes are opened. That He is the Lord. 

When you feel unloved...

This morning, I started my day with silent anger and disappointment. I feel unloved by someone who I think should love me of all people. The silent treatment that I had been through, abruptly captured me and caused pain to my chest. But then I did my morning devotion, and read this on https://odb.org 


Our Daily Bread today (15 June 2018)

How many of us know in our hearts that we are loved by a Father whose affection for us is limitless? Sometimes we struggle with this truth. The Israelites did. They wondered if their trials meant God no longer loved them. But in Jeremiah 31:3, the prophet reminds them of what God said in the past: “I have loved you with an everlasting love.” 

We too long for such unconditional love. Yet the wounds, disappointments, and mistakes we experience can make us feel anything but lovable. But God opens His arms—the arms of a perfect Father—and invites us to experience and rest in His love.

Lord, hard things in our lives can tempt us to believe we are unlovable. But You say otherwise. Please help us to receive the life-transforming gift of Your everlasting love for us.

No one loves us like our Father.

Off for clarity

Let the problem be undermined.

It is not even a problem, by definition, because it is a problem, which might help to show me more clearly, what is it there for me, in a problematic relationship already.

Why, because it is just the right time to clear the doubts, uncertainties, anger, and so on from my mind, -if not from our minds.

So, I don't think I need to overthink about it. It will be my loss if I spend my valuable time by overthinking this issue. This is a non-issue.

Therefore, this time-off should be seen as 'off for clarity'. The function is to clarify so much unclarity things between us. If he is for me, he'll get back no matter what, but if he's not, he'll get away no matter what. There is no use in overthinking about him or future with him or anything.

I'd better live my life one day at a time, thinking about my research, and how to be a better person, a better version of me. How to be more useful for humanity, others and God...and again, reflect and re-view how to make my life better than before, not worse. Projecting how life can be more useful and not to satisfy what others think about.

Emotional cave

I met my girl friends these days in many different occassions. On the trip to somewhere, at their apartment, at their house, at shopping malls, at restaurants, at various different cafes, all sort of places. All of them tell their stories about their relationships with men. I found out that many, -as mine, are often, hitting rocks, some, bottom rock, bumped, and severely got through their ups and downs. I feel like I see a chronicle, or drama, or in some cases, tragedy (at least two or three stories ended up in divorce).

With the closest ones, whom I know both the women and the men, or so, I found out that their stories are all bout adjustments, compromising, dialogues, collective thinking on issues, different thoughts and actions to respond to issues and events...or the absence of these. And I just think, oh is it worth all these efforts? Again, is relationship, worth to maintain and to keep? What about economics? Earning capacity? Level of thinking? The way they think and solve issues?

What if, all things have nothing in common but love? But then, what is love? Perfect love, doesn't see what and who and why someone sholud love someone else. Just love. Without the why and how and what and who. Just love. But hey, it's an agape, the type of love that God only is able to practice. That is, love a person, simply for he and she is. Not because of attributes attitudes or anything else. But hey, the world is so complex. We don't live in vacuum, we live in context. We pay bills, we eat, we think, we exercise our thoughts. How come we stop doing all that, we do not exchange our thoughts, we do not think the way we think, we change our attitude, we change the way we are, because of love?  I do not think that's how things should be.

I have a friend, who married to a guy, who is good looking and not bad financially. She has 3 beautiful children, a boy and a girl, they have been married for 15 years. Like, a perfect happy family. But from what she tells us, it's not a fulfiling marriage. It's just a marriage. Without adjective. A marriage, where they legally have shared economic responsibilties toward their children. The husband stays far away, she stays in different city. They meet only at weekends. She practically raised her children by herself. Most of the time, her husband is in different city. Their personalities are world away. She's talkative, socialite, active in here and there, smiley, chatty, smart. She has an army of male fans. He is quiet, super introvert, he doesn't like to mingle with other people too much. He stays away from her wife's social life because he cannot stand it. I just don't get it. What kind of marriage is that? To me, it is more of a status, social status. And it is because that involves kids. But for how long you have to surpress yourself to adjust with your spouse? To what level? Do you change because of love, or relationships, to the level where you feel, you are not yourself anymore? I don't think it is a good idea. Love is not fake. It is to be who you are and make you a better person. Am I growing? Am I becoming a better person when I am with him, or am I not? If I have to fake myself to become with someone, will I be happy?  

If you are not happy with who you are, how come you be happy with someone else? I think my case is just different. I think it is different way around. I was happy with my life. Then someone else came in. I think he will make me happier, a better person. But no, I happened to be a gloomier person, more anxious about future, about money, about being in poverty. He doesn't like people so much. He doesn't like discussion, conversations. He does not love God or have faith and hope in something greater. He does not like to laugh much. He does not like to talk. He is not warm. He is not so much of an optimist. Life is tough, gloomy and about doing things, not to think things over or reflect. He does not have curiousity, which resulted in so boring meet up over beer, or just enjoying nature without talking at all; which I think is a bit creepy. He does not have so much money, which is OK for me, but to some extent, have added into my own worry about money. He just want a relationship, where he has a person that is always by his side, so that he is not alone doing things, driving to countrysides by himself, doing activities together. But hey, what's left when we are not strong enough to do those things, when we are too old to go out and against the weather? Sit and quiet? Not talking? Depressing!  

Yet, everyone would prefer a stable, married people in top corporate position. Everyone loves adorable kids and happy parents, teaching the world about parenting and future generation. Compare to the singles, people would prefer a married person to be in top position. But what about people in wrecked marriage, who are there for the social status? Idolating marriage is, I think, equal to creating a new idol in life. The marriage itself.

Does the phrase love conquers all, mean anything? Something? Or maybe, we're just afraid to be alone sometimes, but not all the time, and in the end, decides that loneliness alone, is not a good reason to be in a relationship that brings so much broken hearts and tears into our life? Some women are then, brave enough to decide that it is enough. Tying the knot is good, when you're in love, and can together examine issues and problems in similar attitude. The basic problem is, when attitude towards life is different, it is easy to find next that all different issues emerge like mushrooms in the damp. Bubbling. Bursting. In one way over another, it happens one day, it will.

Dan ini adalah bacaan dari Our Daily Bread hari ini, Saturday, 26 May 2018.

Psalm 142[a]

A maskil[b] of David. When he was in the cave. A prayer.

1 I cry aloud to the Lord;
    I lift up my voice to the Lord for mercy.
2 I pour out before him my complaint;
    before him I tell my trouble.

3 When my spirit grows faint within me,
    it is you who watch over my way.

INSIGHT

The heading to Psalm 142 says, “A maskil of David. When he was in the cave. A prayer.” But we might also call this song “David’s cry.” The poetic imagery woven into the lyric rings with authenticity because it flows out of David’s actual experiences. Twice he fled to a cave in fear for his life. Few of us can identify with that situation literally, but nearly all of us can relate to David’s metaphorical cave of loneliness and despair. When he uses words like “cry” (v. 1) and “complaint” (v. 2), we know how he feels. His “spirit grows faint” (v. 3), a “snare” has been set for him (v. 3), and “no one is concerned” (v. 4). David even sees his dilemma as “my prison” (v. 7). Yet he knows the trustworthiness of the One he cries out to, and he anticipates a day when “the righteous will gather about [him]” (v. 7). He will not always be desperately lonely.

Does an emotional cave imprison you today? Consider writing out your thoughts in raw honesty and giving them to God. How might that kind of honesty change your prayers? 

So here I am, writing down my thoughts, my worries, my anxiety, my thoughts. 

Di kala kucemas (Ruth Sahanaya)

Di kala kucemas akan masa depan
Dalam kehidupanku
Ku mau lihat burung-burung di udara
Yang tak mengumpulkan bekal
Tapi hidup dalam suka
Ku mau lihat bunga-bunga yang di padang
Yang hidup hari ini
Dan esok layu kembali

Kadang ku takut
Aku ragu, aku bimbang
Kulupa ada yang Kuasa
Yang dapat memberi sukacita

Ku mau jadi burung
Ku mau jadi bunga
Yang tak ada rasa takut
Dengan rasa percaya diri
Aku maju tanpa ragu
Kar'na Kau Penolongku

Mimpi-mimpi, orang-orang dan ayat-ayat

Tadi malam sebelum saya tidur, saya chat dengan teman baik saya, A, tentang vibes, tentang bagaimana sesuatu yang tadinya dipikir supernatural, ternyata ada penjelasan ilmiahnya, yaitu dari body chemicals, bagaimana kita menilai vibe dari suatu tempat atau seseorang. Terus, kami bercerita tentang bagaimana masih sedih dan terpukulnya seorang teman yang ditinggal pergi oleh suaminya yang adalah teman baik saya, dalam usia yang sangat muda, 40 tahun, karena sakit yang mendadak merenggut nyawanya. Kami juga bercerita tentang seorang perempuan lain yang juga bernama sama seperti saya, bahkan berusia 2 tahun lebih muda, yang juga nyawanya terenggut karena kecelakaan motor kemarin di Jakarta, yang rupanya adalah mutual friend dari banyak teman kami.

Lalu sayapun melanjutkan pekerjaan menerjemahkan transkrip ini samai sekitar setengah dua malam. Sesudah mematikan lampu, saya masih sedikit terbayang-bayang wajah teman saya yang baru meninggal itu, masih ingat suara dan wajahnya, karena saya baru membuka FB-nya, dalam rangka bercaap2 dengan A malam itu, melihat foto-fotonya dan postingan2nya dan komen-komen saya di postingannya dan komen-komennya di postingan saya. Saya terhenyak, bahwa komen terakhir baik saya di wall-nya maupun sebaliknya, hanya baru 6 weeks ago, 9 weeks ago, 11 weeks ago dan few weeks ago. It's tantalising. Bagaimana sebuah hidup yang begitu muda, yang begitu penuh dengan masa depan, direnggut begitu saja, membuat istri dan bayinya sebatangkara, hanya dalam hitungan hari saja.

Sampai saya ketiduran, pemikiran tentang betapa rentannya hidup dan batas hidup-mati ini masih terbayang-bayang. Dan tertidurlah saya. Pagi ini saya bangun dan mengingat-ingat kembali mimpi saya semalam. Saya teringat bahwa teman saya dan ibu saya almarhum ada dalam mimpi saya, bersama dengan beberapa orang lain yang saya sudah tahu sudah meninggal. Tentu saja, mereka nampak biasa, seperti orang-orang yang masih hidup, bercakap-cakap dan beraktifitas. Lalu saya ingat lagi, bahwa dalam salah satu kesempatan interaksi itu, saya ngomong dengan ibu saya, kalau tidak salah saya bilang, "Mak, ayo kembali ke sini (ke dunia orang hidup, ke dunia)". Mama saya menjawab dengan ringan dan kemungkinan, kalau saya tidak ingat, sambil senyum-senyum, "Tidak usah lah".  Lalu saya sedikit kesal (kalau tidak salah ingat)

Seperti biasa, mimpi saya selalu merupakan olahan dari apa yang saya pikirkan, saya baca, saya bicarakan dan saya alami, dalam suatu mix yang absurd dan sangat tidak jelas. Saya baru ingat bahwa siangnya saya sempat baca tentang bagaimana penjahat di sebelah salib Yesus diampuni pada akhir-akhir dari hidupnya, hanya karena berseru pada Yesus. Dan saya juga baca tentang si pengemis Lazarus yang mati dan duduk di pangkuan Abraham -ini akibat infografis tentang kisah Isra' Mi'raj yang dikirim teman saya lain yang ada cerita tentang Ibrahim dan Musa di lapisan surga kesekian, dan si orang kaya yang sombong, yang menderita di neraka yang panas, dan meminta seorang mati untuk dihidupkan kembali dan mengabarkan tentang azab akhirat kepada saudara-saudaranya di dunia agar bertobat. Permintaan ini ditolak Tuhan karena kata Tuhan, ada kitab-kitab Musa dan para nabi pada mereka, kalau mereka tidak percaya itu, sekalipun ada orang mati hidup lagi, ya mereka tetap tidak akan percaya juga, anyway.

Anehnya, pagi ini, saya bangun jam 7.20-an, lalu, kebiasaan yang sudah beberapa hari ini tidak saya lakukan lagi karena sibuk, adalah membuka Our Daily Bread dan membaca Alkitab. Tahu apa topik dan ayat bacaan dari ODB pagi ini? Saya kutipkan bacaan Alkitabnya di sini:

Psalm 39:4-6 New International Version (NIV)

4 “Show me, Lord, my life’s end
    and the number of my days;
    let me know how fleeting my life is.
5 You have made my days a mere handbreadth;
    the span of my years is as nothing before you.
Everyone is but a breath,
    even those who seem secure.[a]

6 “Surely everyone goes around like a mere phantom;
    in vain they rush about, heaping up wealth
    without knowing whose it will finally be.

Tentunya, saya cukup kaget karena kok pembacaannya begini, pas banget dengan semua obrolan, pemikiran, kejadian dan bahkan mimpi saya semalam. Judul bacaannya: "Just a second", dengan kalimat penutup seperti ini:

Recalling what he has already learned about the Source of joy and hope, he sees how reliant he is on the eternal God to help him see more than the momentary distraction of passing wealth (vv. 7–13).

Could this be a good time to see ourselves in David’s song?

And all I can say is: "Amen, let God be glorified through my fleeting life in this Earth, which is just a mere handbreadth", as David sang in this Psalm. Hallelujah, all praises I give only unto Thee!

Is r*********p overrated?

Is r*********p overrated?
Simply because I had no experience in this field, is it fair to think that this is not correct, this is not what it supposed to be when people are in r****?
I would say what I think. However is the acceptance from the other side.
He must understand that in this world, there are many people who think differently than him, and it's worth learning.
If the curiousity is there, the interest is there, everyone, sure, can learn.
If not, it's another story.
Begging is not my thing.
I'll say it, and I'll leave it there for the other side to pick up my words.
But no begging whatsoever anymore.
I guess, it's because I made myself aloof from G*d. It's just the result, the hollow in my heart, in my confidence, in my self esteem. And a little bit of loneliness because of a quiet social life.