It's been 40 days and she's singing with the angels

I dreamed of water last night. A lot of water. A broad, lengthy river, with very calm and easy flow to follow. I and some people from work walked through the river, following the flow. We were all soaked, but happily continued the journey. So fresh...the cool wind blow made me immersed in a such nature's beauty. I saw some other people also talked about money and the journey. They were mumbling and I did not really notice what they're actually saying. It was so fresh that when I woke up this morning, I felt the coolness and freshness that were brought by the water still came into effect. Like a reborn, who is revealing from the water. 

And I suddenly thought, it's the 40th day since she's gone. Maybe it's really the time for me to let her go, like, no longer thinking that she has just departed to other city or other country on a trip, and will be back home any time soon. Or later. And we have been waiting for 40 days.. it has been such a long long trip and we hear no news back from her. Maybe she just forgot to call. 

And this morning, I woke up and prayed, then opened the curtains. The sun shines so bright. Like heavenly ray of lights creep into my room. The birds were chirping outside. So, oh, I thought, now is the time to wipe out the sorrow, the grief, that I have been trying hard to cope with these days. It is a beautiful day. Time to go on, time to move on. 

I stood up and turned on the radio to cheer up this beautiful day. I thought, what a beautiful Monday. And Sarah McLachlan sang the "Angel" song. Really contra-productive to the cheerful morning..or not? But as a result, I cried a river listening to the song. I always always thought the grief was over because I tried to meet way too many people, talking to way too many people, doing lots of things so to make my life back to normal again, like before 4th September 2013. But I haven't got over it yet, apparently. I cry a lot this morning and even now, as much as I cried the day she was buried. And Sarah MacLachlan keeps singing..

Spend all your time waiting
for that second chance
for a break that would make it okay
there's always some reason
to feel not good enough
and it's hard at the end of the day
I need some distraction
oh beautiful release
memories seep from my veins
let me be empty
and weightless and maybe
I'll find some peace tonight

in the arms of the angelfly away from here   
..........
you're in the arms of the angel
may you find some comfort here

And I don't know why, I envy her. Whatever she is doing now, I know she's in an endless happiness. Singing with angels in that great heavenly choir with billions of holy souls before God... while we have been left wondering, when will she returns home...or sends us news. 

We try to think that we can keep her at home, in this profane world. We pretend to forget that her true home is not here. The home of her beautiful soul is where she is now. In eternity. Before the Trinity, where she meets Father and Jesus and the Holy Spirit.  

It is us who are still on our journey (in this world), not her. We have been waiting for her to return home all these 40 days after her flight. But in fact, she is the one who's waiting for us to return home. It is us who are still wandering, not her.  


Jakarta, 14 October 2013